What is pride and how does it affect a marriage?

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, author John Gottman writes, “In our long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, whom we followed for nine years, we found that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allowed their wives to influence them had happier relationships and were less likely to eventually divorce than men who resisted their wives’ influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.” Could it be pride that doesn’t allow a man to be influenced by his wife? I think it’s safe to say that pride could allow a woman to self-destruct her marriage if she won’t allow herself to be influenced by her spouse.

As I’ve been able to more fully study families and marriages, I have personally come to the conclusion that pride is selfishness and selfishness destroys marriages and families. 

When speaking of pride President Ezra Taft Benson said, “When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod. Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.

Do you ever find yourself being quick to find fault at your spouse but slow to correct your own personal weaknesses?  Do you get angry quickly at the faults of your loved one but expect patience from those that are supposed to love you? Do you allow the ways of the world to drive your desires or do you humble yourself and ask God for direction in your marriage?

I had an experience about 15 years ago that still haunts me today. I had married young and began working in a new career. I worked with wonderful people, however over the course of the first 6-12 months they were slowly convincing me that I had married to young and I was missing out on “life”. I didn’t realize how much this was affecting the way I looked at my marriage. I began to find fault with everything my spouse did. What was really happening was that I began forgetting my covenants and commitments and I was allowing my own pride to convince me that I could experience life first and then find a suitable husband when I was ready to settle down. These coworkers almost had me convinced that I should divorce my husband enjoy being a young adult and then marry someone who already had a degree and a stable job. 

Thankfully, I was humbled and over time saw the error of thinking before I took drastic measures. I am grateful to a husband who loved me amidst my crazy emotions and was patient with my weaknesses. I saw first hand how pride really can self-destruct a marriage. 

I am thankful I had this experience which was my real first experience with pride and the antidote for it. As explained by President Benson the antidote for pride is humility, weakness, submissiveness. It is a broken heart and a contrite spirit. 

Sometimes humility is hard to swallow. But the strength that it brings far out weighs the weakness of pride.

By Small and Simple things...

Most of the married human population do not experience a fairy tale marriage. Real marriages experience raw emotions, discontent, sorrow, pain and frustration. As much as a young bride and groom wish for a blissful union with their new spouse as they begin their marriage journey, it’s not likely to be perfect every single day. Marriage takes work. Marriage also takes time to develop into something beautiful. Any marriage has the potential to end happily ever after but that comes from two spouses who have done a lot of work on themselves to create such an ending. 

Dr. Gottman writes about the need for couples to turn toward each other. This means couples find meaningful ways in which they are able to connect. When speaking of this Dr. Gottman writes, “One virtue of turning toward each other is that it is so easy to accomplish. It only takes a small gesture to lead to another and then another. “Turning toward” operates under a law of positive feedback- like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results. In other words, you don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit.” 

I personally love the idea of turning towards each other. In my own marriage I have seen that the little effort I put in to my husband comes back ten fold. I’ve learned the more attention and love I show towards my husband, the more attention and love he shows towards me. The key is being able to be humble enough to show love even when frustration or anger arises. It’s a matter of selfless service each day. Turning toward your spouse will put you on the road to obtaining your very own happily ever after. 

What are you willing to do in order to turn toward your spouse today?

Dr. John Gottman writes, “There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.” Im pretty sure you can take this sentence and apply it to any relationship that you want to succeed. When we feel known and understood then we can easily feel loved. When we feel loved then we are more likely to love back. 

What is a “Love Map”? Dr. Gottman describes a love map as his term for “the part of the brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” I interpret this as the ability to recall those things that make your spouse happy, sad, disappointed, excited and so forth. Its a matter of each partner truly listening to their spouse. It’s not about just hearing their voice, it’s about taking into account their feelings and remembering those feelings when good or bad times arise. 

If you know your spouse loves Chinese food and it’s been awhile since you’ve gone out for dinner, you would take the opportunity to take him or her out for Chinese food, not because you want it too but because you love your spouse and you remember they like this type of food. It’s simple acts like these that build a more detailed love map and in turn build a more solid marriage. 

Barbara De Angelis said, “Marriage is not a noun, it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get, it’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” 

What will you do today to enhance your marriage and strengthen your love map?

Can a marriage be predicted to fail before it is ever in trouble? How soon can a marriage go from good to bad? Who can predict such things? 

According to Dr. John M. Gottman author of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” he states that “I can predict with great precision whether a couple will stay happily together or lose their way after listening to them interact for as little as fifteen minutes. Over seven separate studies, my accuracy rate in making such predictions has averaged 91 perfect.” In as little as 15 minutes Dr. Gottman will most likely know how your marriage will end up.

In his book, Dr. Gottman says that “the simple truth is that happy marriages are based on a  deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately- they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.”

From the findings of Dr. Gottman I think it’s clear to see that happy couples and successful marriages come from those spouses who are willing to set aside their needs and think and do for their spouse before they think about themselves. 

In April of 1999 then Elder Russell M. Nelson said, “An ideal marriage is a true partnership between two imperfect people, each striving to complement the other, to keep the commandments, and to do the will of the Lord.” 

If we want a happy marriage there is a simple formula that needs to be followed. That formula consists of compassion, friendship, concern for the other, empathy and love. Just like it takes following a formula to solve a complex math equation, so it to takes following a formula of love to create a happy marriage union.

What constitutes a marriage? 

Does a piece of paper make a marriage? Does love make a marriage? Does an agreement between two people make a marriage? Or can marriage be defined as a covenantal agreement in which both parties agree to never cease in their commitment towards one another?

If a piece of paper is considered a marriage and can be torn up or thrown away at any time, could that not mean then that the marriage could be torn apart or thrown out when it becomes outdated, obsolete or to much work?

If simply love makes a marriage then when that love is gone does it mean the marriage can simply be gone also?

If an agreement makes a marriage then when the terms of that agreement are fulfilled, broken or changed does that agreement become null and void?

A covenant is described as an agreement, contract, commitment, guarantee, warrant, pledge, promise or bond. It also represents to “commit oneself or bind oneself.” In The Family: A Proclamation to the World we learn that “Marriage is ordained of God.” We also know that God makes His word His bond. Never will He make a promise and not keep it. If two people enter into a marriage with the understanding that they are not only committing to each other but they are also committing to God, would we not see a much lower divorce rate as well as a greater desire to appease each other and rid ourselves of selfishness or individualism? Selfishness and individualism are two things that often tear a marriage apart.

Elder Bruce C. Hafen, while speaking about the difference of a covenant marriage and a contract marriage he said, “When we observe the covenants we make at the altar of sacrifice, we discover hidden reservoirs of strength.” 

The temple affords us the blessings of creating a covenant marriage. In the temple a husband and wife make a covenant before God and witnesses, a covenant and commitment to a marriage both here on earth and one that continues on for eternity. They have an understanding of what makes a successful marriage and are promising, even, binding themselves, to a commitment of the success of their marriage. 

A covenant marriage is one where the commitment is understood. It’s more than a piece of paper, it’s more than love, it’s more than an agreement. It is a commitment to something greater than their individual selves. It’s a commitment to God, each other and their future posterity. 

Sources:

lds.org

This week I had the opportunity to read the ruling from the Supreme Court regarding same-sex marriage. I read from both sides of the argument and found it fascinating. I enjoyed reading this document, however I also found both sides of the argument very persuasive. As I read the reasons behind why the law suit was brought all the way to the top of the supreme court I could understand what was trying to be accomplished. I felt compassion for the same-sex couples who wanted many of the same rights that are enjoyed by couples in traditional marriages. I had such a narrow mindset about same-sex marriage prior to this weeks reading but found that as I become more educated on the famous ruling my eyes were opened and my view was broadened.

However, I found Justice Robert write up equally compelling. The biggest point I think he makes is when he explains what the role of the Supreme Court is. He reminds us that they are not there to act as a legislature nor are they there to twist the law to match their own theoretical, religious or philosophical view.  

As I pondered over the compelling arguments from both sides I realized I kept going back to the fact that the law of the land cannot change the law of God. As was said in so many words by President Nelson as well as the other Apostles over the last few years, man cannot change the laws of God and sin is sin whether it is legalized or not.  This was a moment where I had to step back and think who was I going to side with and verbally, spiritually and emotionally support? Is it going to be those who are in support of same-sex marriage or will I support the laws of God although they are unpopular and ridiculed?

I know where I stand in my heart. I stand with God and his unchanging law. I stand with His Prophets and Apostles and defend the sacred union of marriage as it has been instituted by God. I will also love and show compassion for those who do not see it the same way I do. For Christ loved all and I am commanded to do the same. 

Can a couple enjoy and even happily endure a marriage in the 21st century? Just 100 years ago the average divorce rate was about 10% according to Audrey Jones who is a current divorce attorney. Today in 2016, the divorce rate has jumped to an almost staggering 50%. Not only is the divorce rate high, the amount of people who decide to marry is dropping each year. More couples are choosing to cohabit, have children out of wedlock or are choosing to live single. 

According to State of Our Unions: Marriage 2012 “As a culture we seem fixated on marriage, from the extravagant $50 billion we spend annually on weddings to our active debate about same-sex marriage, especially among high school but not college educated young people, for whom raising children amid unstable cohabiting relationships and serial partnerships is in danger of becoming the new norm. This rapid decline of marriage among the almost 60 percent of the nation who are high school educated but not college educated, those whom we might call “Middle America,” has been dramatic. As recently as the 1980s, only 13 percent of the children of moderately- educated mothers were born outside of marriage. By the late 2000s, this figure rose to a striking 44 percent. And in marked contrast to past calls for attention to changing trends in family structure, today almost none of our political and social leaders are talking about this dramatic change.” 

I believe it’s safe to say that we can all agree that there has been an evolutional change from the thousands of years of traditional marriage. Usually we see that history repeats itself. However, when it comes to marriage, history is not repeating itself. Our so called "normal" marriages have changed and now we see a greater abundance of cohabiting couples, single mothers and same sex marriage is now legalized in our society. Is the decline in our society and the American economy due in part to the lack of traditional family unions? 

“Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution. Marriage fosters small cooperative unions—also known as stable families—that enable children to thrive, shore up communities, and help family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times. Researchers are finding that the disappearance of marriage in Middle America is tracking with the disappearance of the middle class in the same communities, a change that strikes at the heart of the American Dream.” Stated by State of Unions; Marriage 2012.  

Marriage is necessary for an economy to thrive and from The Family: A Proclamation to the the World we learn that “the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” Both spiritually and temporally, marriage and the family are necessary for the success of any civilization and is a commandment of God. We have both an obligation and duty to support and sustain this sacred institution.