Family isn't always blood

Genesis 2:24 reads: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife.” Marriage is an opportunity for a husband and wife to symbolically leave behind their families, their single life and their selfish desires and unite to become one in heart and purpose. However, leaving their families does not mean they have to forget about them but it does mean that their spouse is now their first confident, their best friend and the person who will help them overcome their challenges and problems.

As two people come together from two different backgrounds it can be a recipe for disaster or it can be the greatest opportunity for growth and to truly experience love and charity to their new family members from their spouses side. All parties involved, the husband/wife, both sets of parent in-laws and also both sets of sibling in-laws, should feel an obligation to learn about the new family member, get to know them, reach out to them and accept them into their family. I think that a greater level of acceptance begins when the new spouse expresses love towards his or her new family, rather than waiting to be shown love. In the book Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families, the authors write, “Marrying into a family that is different from yours or has different values can be a challenge. Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help in dealing  with differences.”

Just as you would love your spouse, display patience and express forgiveness, these same principles of creating a solid marriage can be practiced with the in-law family and over time the word “in-law” can be dropped and they can be considered simply, “family.” 

Take a moment to evaluate your relationship with your in-laws, what can you begin to do to show love, patience, and forgiveness in order to create a more harmonious family setting?

In any aspect of a marriage there is always room for improvement.

Building a strong marriage and a beautiful love between a husband and wife involves many different aspects. Those aspects include selflessness, consideration for the spouse, tenderness and compassion just to name a few. All of these same aspects are necessary in building a sound and stable romantic life between a couple. Just as finances and careers are a part of everyday marriages, so is intimacy. It would be beneficial for couples to learn to have an open dialogue regarding their sex life and learn to have a healthy understanding of each others thoughts, needs and desires. 

President Hugh B. Brown wrote, “Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.”

In marriage a sexual relationship serves multiple purposes. It’s first purpose is to allow a couple who love and care for each other an opportunity to create God’s greatest masterpiece- one of his children. It is the means by which God allows a union of two people to come together and literally become one, thus allowing a way for a spirit to begin it’s journey from heaven to earth. This union is sacred and should be regarded as such. 

However, procreation is not the only purpose of a sexual relationship in marriage. It also serves as a means by which a couple can demonstrate their complete love and total commitment for each other. It serves as a means to feel pleasured. It serves the purpose of bonding together in a form that can’t be done any other way. 

Sex is a huge part of marriage. Discussion with your spouse about it should be natural and often. If there is something you want to discuss with your spouse don’t be afraid to speak up. Just like any other aspect of a marriage there usually is room for improvement. This area of a marriage is no different and it is not something that either partner should be embarrassed or ashamed to discuss. 

I would suggest looking in to different books that can help you and your spouse better understand the intimate relationship in a marriage. This can develop into a deeper expression of love which will only help to strengthen any marriage. 

It's Time to Forgive

For the past 8 weeks I have had the privilege of reading Dr. John M. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work along with Dr. Wallace Goddard’s book Drawing Heaven into Your Marraige. I have written many summaries about the different chapters and how I can apply their teachings to my own marriage. My goal has been to hopefully help someone else benefit from the very insightful information.

As I have done the reading and researching I have come to one conclusion. That conclusion being that having a successful marriage is possible. It takes time, patience and practice. Successful marriages take two people who are willing to work through difficulties and not give up on one another. However, with that being said I have also learned that you don’t have to wait for your spouse to be ready to recommit to your marriage. The steps to success can start with you, they can start with me. 

I learned this week that I have to be the change I want to see in my marriage. If I want a better, stronger, more fulfilling marriage I must be the one to start the process. This process can start in many different ways but one specific way as described by Dr. Gottman is to forgive yourself. Dr. Gottman writes how criticism in marriage can be damaging and that there really is no constructive criticism. He writes, “All criticism is painful.” Dr. Gottman continues on to say, “Criticism in marriage comes form within. It is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of one’s life, particularly during childhood. In other words, it begins as criticism of oneself.” He also writes, “If you recognize yourself in the description of the self-critic, the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to work on accepting yourself with all of your flaws. As I look back on my own life, I realize that forgiving myself for all of my imperfections has made an immense difference in my role as a husband and father.”

I believe that any time we want something in our life to change- that change has to begin with us. We are the ones who decide if we will quit or succeed. A marriage which becomes the crowning blessing in your life is possible. It begins with letting go of pride and doubt, it begins with forgiveness and it begins with selflessness. All selfishness must be laid to rest. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes and flaws and forgive your spouse. Seek to display gratitude and patience and I am confident that any marriage can begin on a new path.

What is consecration and how does it pertain to a marriage?

For many young married couples they might enter into a marriage thinking of all the joy and bliss they will experience for the rest of their lives. This joy might last for the first few weeks or months and then reality hits. Sometimes it can hit hard. As beautiful and fun as a new marriage may be, regular life still has to be experienced. Once the wedding is over and only memories of the honeymoon exist, a young couple might find that trying to navigate through this new stage of life is a bit harder than expected. 

Through personal experience I have learned that living a routine, sometimes even mundane life can actually become quite a beautiful scene. The beauty comes when I chose to create an attitude of gratitude in my home. It comes in appreciating the mundane marriage. In the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,  Dr. H. Wallace Goddard wrote “Our minds and our hearts may wander. But those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories. They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time.”

Creating a happy successful marriage is possible but sometimes it’s not easy. Over the years I have learned that for most marriages that end in divorce, the fall of the marriage can be described in one word. That word is selfishness. Selfishness breeds disrespect, disdain, pride and even hatred. The gospel of Jesus Christ breeds the exact opposite of selfishness and a covenant marriage in Christ’s gospel requires consecration. Dr. Goddard writes, “Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve. We become more grateful. Rather than wondering if this marriage is a good investment that will pay us a handsome return, we ask for heavenly grace that we may love and serve as Jesus served - without thought of reward. While there are destructive relationships that should end, the vast majority of relationships can survive and flourish if each of us brings our whole soul as an offering.”

To become consecrated in a marriage is possible - completely possible - but it “requires a transformation of character” as quoted by Dr. Goddard. He goes on to say, “In serving and giving to those within our family stewardship as well as demonstrating patience and continually forgiving our spouses for all the ways they might not meet our expectations, we have the opportunity to emulate Christ, thus transforming ourselves.”

What will you do today in your marriage relationship to start that transformation? 

What is pride and how does it affect a marriage?

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, author John Gottman writes, “In our long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, whom we followed for nine years, we found that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allowed their wives to influence them had happier relationships and were less likely to eventually divorce than men who resisted their wives’ influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.” Could it be pride that doesn’t allow a man to be influenced by his wife? I think it’s safe to say that pride could allow a woman to self-destruct her marriage if she won’t allow herself to be influenced by her spouse.

As I’ve been able to more fully study families and marriages, I have personally come to the conclusion that pride is selfishness and selfishness destroys marriages and families. 

When speaking of pride President Ezra Taft Benson said, “When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod. Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.

Do you ever find yourself being quick to find fault at your spouse but slow to correct your own personal weaknesses?  Do you get angry quickly at the faults of your loved one but expect patience from those that are supposed to love you? Do you allow the ways of the world to drive your desires or do you humble yourself and ask God for direction in your marriage?

I had an experience about 15 years ago that still haunts me today. I had married young and began working in a new career. I worked with wonderful people, however over the course of the first 6-12 months they were slowly convincing me that I had married to young and I was missing out on “life”. I didn’t realize how much this was affecting the way I looked at my marriage. I began to find fault with everything my spouse did. What was really happening was that I began forgetting my covenants and commitments and I was allowing my own pride to convince me that I could experience life first and then find a suitable husband when I was ready to settle down. These coworkers almost had me convinced that I should divorce my husband enjoy being a young adult and then marry someone who already had a degree and a stable job. 

Thankfully, I was humbled and over time saw the error of thinking before I took drastic measures. I am grateful to a husband who loved me amidst my crazy emotions and was patient with my weaknesses. I saw first hand how pride really can self-destruct a marriage. 

I am thankful I had this experience which was my real first experience with pride and the antidote for it. As explained by President Benson the antidote for pride is humility, weakness, submissiveness. It is a broken heart and a contrite spirit. 

Sometimes humility is hard to swallow. But the strength that it brings far out weighs the weakness of pride.

By Small and Simple things...

Most of the married human population do not experience a fairy tale marriage. Real marriages experience raw emotions, discontent, sorrow, pain and frustration. As much as a young bride and groom wish for a blissful union with their new spouse as they begin their marriage journey, it’s not likely to be perfect every single day. Marriage takes work. Marriage also takes time to develop into something beautiful. Any marriage has the potential to end happily ever after but that comes from two spouses who have done a lot of work on themselves to create such an ending. 

Dr. Gottman writes about the need for couples to turn toward each other. This means couples find meaningful ways in which they are able to connect. When speaking of this Dr. Gottman writes, “One virtue of turning toward each other is that it is so easy to accomplish. It only takes a small gesture to lead to another and then another. “Turning toward” operates under a law of positive feedback- like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results. In other words, you don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit.” 

I personally love the idea of turning towards each other. In my own marriage I have seen that the little effort I put in to my husband comes back ten fold. I’ve learned the more attention and love I show towards my husband, the more attention and love he shows towards me. The key is being able to be humble enough to show love even when frustration or anger arises. It’s a matter of selfless service each day. Turning toward your spouse will put you on the road to obtaining your very own happily ever after. 

What are you willing to do in order to turn toward your spouse today?

Dr. John Gottman writes, “There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.” Im pretty sure you can take this sentence and apply it to any relationship that you want to succeed. When we feel known and understood then we can easily feel loved. When we feel loved then we are more likely to love back. 

What is a “Love Map”? Dr. Gottman describes a love map as his term for “the part of the brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” I interpret this as the ability to recall those things that make your spouse happy, sad, disappointed, excited and so forth. Its a matter of each partner truly listening to their spouse. It’s not about just hearing their voice, it’s about taking into account their feelings and remembering those feelings when good or bad times arise. 

If you know your spouse loves Chinese food and it’s been awhile since you’ve gone out for dinner, you would take the opportunity to take him or her out for Chinese food, not because you want it too but because you love your spouse and you remember they like this type of food. It’s simple acts like these that build a more detailed love map and in turn build a more solid marriage. 

Barbara De Angelis said, “Marriage is not a noun, it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get, it’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” 

What will you do today to enhance your marriage and strengthen your love map?

Can a marriage be predicted to fail before it is ever in trouble? How soon can a marriage go from good to bad? Who can predict such things? 

According to Dr. John M. Gottman author of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” he states that “I can predict with great precision whether a couple will stay happily together or lose their way after listening to them interact for as little as fifteen minutes. Over seven separate studies, my accuracy rate in making such predictions has averaged 91 perfect.” In as little as 15 minutes Dr. Gottman will most likely know how your marriage will end up.

In his book, Dr. Gottman says that “the simple truth is that happy marriages are based on a  deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately- they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.”

From the findings of Dr. Gottman I think it’s clear to see that happy couples and successful marriages come from those spouses who are willing to set aside their needs and think and do for their spouse before they think about themselves. 

In April of 1999 then Elder Russell M. Nelson said, “An ideal marriage is a true partnership between two imperfect people, each striving to complement the other, to keep the commandments, and to do the will of the Lord.” 

If we want a happy marriage there is a simple formula that needs to be followed. That formula consists of compassion, friendship, concern for the other, empathy and love. Just like it takes following a formula to solve a complex math equation, so it to takes following a formula of love to create a happy marriage union.

What constitutes a marriage? 

Does a piece of paper make a marriage? Does love make a marriage? Does an agreement between two people make a marriage? Or can marriage be defined as a covenantal agreement in which both parties agree to never cease in their commitment towards one another?

If a piece of paper is considered a marriage and can be torn up or thrown away at any time, could that not mean then that the marriage could be torn apart or thrown out when it becomes outdated, obsolete or to much work?

If simply love makes a marriage then when that love is gone does it mean the marriage can simply be gone also?

If an agreement makes a marriage then when the terms of that agreement are fulfilled, broken or changed does that agreement become null and void?

A covenant is described as an agreement, contract, commitment, guarantee, warrant, pledge, promise or bond. It also represents to “commit oneself or bind oneself.” In The Family: A Proclamation to the World we learn that “Marriage is ordained of God.” We also know that God makes His word His bond. Never will He make a promise and not keep it. If two people enter into a marriage with the understanding that they are not only committing to each other but they are also committing to God, would we not see a much lower divorce rate as well as a greater desire to appease each other and rid ourselves of selfishness or individualism? Selfishness and individualism are two things that often tear a marriage apart.

Elder Bruce C. Hafen, while speaking about the difference of a covenant marriage and a contract marriage he said, “When we observe the covenants we make at the altar of sacrifice, we discover hidden reservoirs of strength.” 

The temple affords us the blessings of creating a covenant marriage. In the temple a husband and wife make a covenant before God and witnesses, a covenant and commitment to a marriage both here on earth and one that continues on for eternity. They have an understanding of what makes a successful marriage and are promising, even, binding themselves, to a commitment of the success of their marriage. 

A covenant marriage is one where the commitment is understood. It’s more than a piece of paper, it’s more than love, it’s more than an agreement. It is a commitment to something greater than their individual selves. It’s a commitment to God, each other and their future posterity. 

Sources:

lds.org

This week I had the opportunity to read the ruling from the Supreme Court regarding same-sex marriage. I read from both sides of the argument and found it fascinating. I enjoyed reading this document, however I also found both sides of the argument very persuasive. As I read the reasons behind why the law suit was brought all the way to the top of the supreme court I could understand what was trying to be accomplished. I felt compassion for the same-sex couples who wanted many of the same rights that are enjoyed by couples in traditional marriages. I had such a narrow mindset about same-sex marriage prior to this weeks reading but found that as I become more educated on the famous ruling my eyes were opened and my view was broadened.

However, I found Justice Robert write up equally compelling. The biggest point I think he makes is when he explains what the role of the Supreme Court is. He reminds us that they are not there to act as a legislature nor are they there to twist the law to match their own theoretical, religious or philosophical view.  

As I pondered over the compelling arguments from both sides I realized I kept going back to the fact that the law of the land cannot change the law of God. As was said in so many words by President Nelson as well as the other Apostles over the last few years, man cannot change the laws of God and sin is sin whether it is legalized or not.  This was a moment where I had to step back and think who was I going to side with and verbally, spiritually and emotionally support? Is it going to be those who are in support of same-sex marriage or will I support the laws of God although they are unpopular and ridiculed?

I know where I stand in my heart. I stand with God and his unchanging law. I stand with His Prophets and Apostles and defend the sacred union of marriage as it has been instituted by God. I will also love and show compassion for those who do not see it the same way I do. For Christ loved all and I am commanded to do the same. 

Can a couple enjoy and even happily endure a marriage in the 21st century? Just 100 years ago the average divorce rate was about 10% according to Audrey Jones who is a current divorce attorney. Today in 2016, the divorce rate has jumped to an almost staggering 50%. Not only is the divorce rate high, the amount of people who decide to marry is dropping each year. More couples are choosing to cohabit, have children out of wedlock or are choosing to live single. 

According to State of Our Unions: Marriage 2012 “As a culture we seem fixated on marriage, from the extravagant $50 billion we spend annually on weddings to our active debate about same-sex marriage, especially among high school but not college educated young people, for whom raising children amid unstable cohabiting relationships and serial partnerships is in danger of becoming the new norm. This rapid decline of marriage among the almost 60 percent of the nation who are high school educated but not college educated, those whom we might call “Middle America,” has been dramatic. As recently as the 1980s, only 13 percent of the children of moderately- educated mothers were born outside of marriage. By the late 2000s, this figure rose to a striking 44 percent. And in marked contrast to past calls for attention to changing trends in family structure, today almost none of our political and social leaders are talking about this dramatic change.” 

I believe it’s safe to say that we can all agree that there has been an evolutional change from the thousands of years of traditional marriage. Usually we see that history repeats itself. However, when it comes to marriage, history is not repeating itself. Our so called "normal" marriages have changed and now we see a greater abundance of cohabiting couples, single mothers and same sex marriage is now legalized in our society. Is the decline in our society and the American economy due in part to the lack of traditional family unions? 

“Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution. Marriage fosters small cooperative unions—also known as stable families—that enable children to thrive, shore up communities, and help family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times. Researchers are finding that the disappearance of marriage in Middle America is tracking with the disappearance of the middle class in the same communities, a change that strikes at the heart of the American Dream.” Stated by State of Unions; Marriage 2012.  

Marriage is necessary for an economy to thrive and from The Family: A Proclamation to the the World we learn that “the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” Both spiritually and temporally, marriage and the family are necessary for the success of any civilization and is a commandment of God. We have both an obligation and duty to support and sustain this sacred institution.