What is pride and how does it affect a marriage?

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, author John Gottman writes, “In our long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, whom we followed for nine years, we found that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allowed their wives to influence them had happier relationships and were less likely to eventually divorce than men who resisted their wives’ influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.” Could it be pride that doesn’t allow a man to be influenced by his wife? I think it’s safe to say that pride could allow a woman to self-destruct her marriage if she won’t allow herself to be influenced by her spouse.

As I’ve been able to more fully study families and marriages, I have personally come to the conclusion that pride is selfishness and selfishness destroys marriages and families. 

When speaking of pride President Ezra Taft Benson said, “When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod. Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.

Do you ever find yourself being quick to find fault at your spouse but slow to correct your own personal weaknesses?  Do you get angry quickly at the faults of your loved one but expect patience from those that are supposed to love you? Do you allow the ways of the world to drive your desires or do you humble yourself and ask God for direction in your marriage?

I had an experience about 15 years ago that still haunts me today. I had married young and began working in a new career. I worked with wonderful people, however over the course of the first 6-12 months they were slowly convincing me that I had married to young and I was missing out on “life”. I didn’t realize how much this was affecting the way I looked at my marriage. I began to find fault with everything my spouse did. What was really happening was that I began forgetting my covenants and commitments and I was allowing my own pride to convince me that I could experience life first and then find a suitable husband when I was ready to settle down. These coworkers almost had me convinced that I should divorce my husband enjoy being a young adult and then marry someone who already had a degree and a stable job. 

Thankfully, I was humbled and over time saw the error of thinking before I took drastic measures. I am grateful to a husband who loved me amidst my crazy emotions and was patient with my weaknesses. I saw first hand how pride really can self-destruct a marriage. 

I am thankful I had this experience which was my real first experience with pride and the antidote for it. As explained by President Benson the antidote for pride is humility, weakness, submissiveness. It is a broken heart and a contrite spirit. 

Sometimes humility is hard to swallow. But the strength that it brings far out weighs the weakness of pride.

By Small and Simple things...

Most of the married human population do not experience a fairy tale marriage. Real marriages experience raw emotions, discontent, sorrow, pain and frustration. As much as a young bride and groom wish for a blissful union with their new spouse as they begin their marriage journey, it’s not likely to be perfect every single day. Marriage takes work. Marriage also takes time to develop into something beautiful. Any marriage has the potential to end happily ever after but that comes from two spouses who have done a lot of work on themselves to create such an ending. 

Dr. Gottman writes about the need for couples to turn toward each other. This means couples find meaningful ways in which they are able to connect. When speaking of this Dr. Gottman writes, “One virtue of turning toward each other is that it is so easy to accomplish. It only takes a small gesture to lead to another and then another. “Turning toward” operates under a law of positive feedback- like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results. In other words, you don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit.” 

I personally love the idea of turning towards each other. In my own marriage I have seen that the little effort I put in to my husband comes back ten fold. I’ve learned the more attention and love I show towards my husband, the more attention and love he shows towards me. The key is being able to be humble enough to show love even when frustration or anger arises. It’s a matter of selfless service each day. Turning toward your spouse will put you on the road to obtaining your very own happily ever after. 

What are you willing to do in order to turn toward your spouse today?

Dr. John Gottman writes, “There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.” Im pretty sure you can take this sentence and apply it to any relationship that you want to succeed. When we feel known and understood then we can easily feel loved. When we feel loved then we are more likely to love back. 

What is a “Love Map”? Dr. Gottman describes a love map as his term for “the part of the brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” I interpret this as the ability to recall those things that make your spouse happy, sad, disappointed, excited and so forth. Its a matter of each partner truly listening to their spouse. It’s not about just hearing their voice, it’s about taking into account their feelings and remembering those feelings when good or bad times arise. 

If you know your spouse loves Chinese food and it’s been awhile since you’ve gone out for dinner, you would take the opportunity to take him or her out for Chinese food, not because you want it too but because you love your spouse and you remember they like this type of food. It’s simple acts like these that build a more detailed love map and in turn build a more solid marriage. 

Barbara De Angelis said, “Marriage is not a noun, it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get, it’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” 

What will you do today to enhance your marriage and strengthen your love map?

Can a marriage be predicted to fail before it is ever in trouble? How soon can a marriage go from good to bad? Who can predict such things? 

According to Dr. John M. Gottman author of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” he states that “I can predict with great precision whether a couple will stay happily together or lose their way after listening to them interact for as little as fifteen minutes. Over seven separate studies, my accuracy rate in making such predictions has averaged 91 perfect.” In as little as 15 minutes Dr. Gottman will most likely know how your marriage will end up.

In his book, Dr. Gottman says that “the simple truth is that happy marriages are based on a  deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately- they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.”

From the findings of Dr. Gottman I think it’s clear to see that happy couples and successful marriages come from those spouses who are willing to set aside their needs and think and do for their spouse before they think about themselves. 

In April of 1999 then Elder Russell M. Nelson said, “An ideal marriage is a true partnership between two imperfect people, each striving to complement the other, to keep the commandments, and to do the will of the Lord.” 

If we want a happy marriage there is a simple formula that needs to be followed. That formula consists of compassion, friendship, concern for the other, empathy and love. Just like it takes following a formula to solve a complex math equation, so it to takes following a formula of love to create a happy marriage union.