Family isn't always blood

Genesis 2:24 reads: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife.” Marriage is an opportunity for a husband and wife to symbolically leave behind their families, their single life and their selfish desires and unite to become one in heart and purpose. However, leaving their families does not mean they have to forget about them but it does mean that their spouse is now their first confident, their best friend and the person who will help them overcome their challenges and problems.

As two people come together from two different backgrounds it can be a recipe for disaster or it can be the greatest opportunity for growth and to truly experience love and charity to their new family members from their spouses side. All parties involved, the husband/wife, both sets of parent in-laws and also both sets of sibling in-laws, should feel an obligation to learn about the new family member, get to know them, reach out to them and accept them into their family. I think that a greater level of acceptance begins when the new spouse expresses love towards his or her new family, rather than waiting to be shown love. In the book Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families, the authors write, “Marrying into a family that is different from yours or has different values can be a challenge. Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help in dealing  with differences.”

Just as you would love your spouse, display patience and express forgiveness, these same principles of creating a solid marriage can be practiced with the in-law family and over time the word “in-law” can be dropped and they can be considered simply, “family.” 

Take a moment to evaluate your relationship with your in-laws, what can you begin to do to show love, patience, and forgiveness in order to create a more harmonious family setting?

In any aspect of a marriage there is always room for improvement.

Building a strong marriage and a beautiful love between a husband and wife involves many different aspects. Those aspects include selflessness, consideration for the spouse, tenderness and compassion just to name a few. All of these same aspects are necessary in building a sound and stable romantic life between a couple. Just as finances and careers are a part of everyday marriages, so is intimacy. It would be beneficial for couples to learn to have an open dialogue regarding their sex life and learn to have a healthy understanding of each others thoughts, needs and desires. 

President Hugh B. Brown wrote, “Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.”

In marriage a sexual relationship serves multiple purposes. It’s first purpose is to allow a couple who love and care for each other an opportunity to create God’s greatest masterpiece- one of his children. It is the means by which God allows a union of two people to come together and literally become one, thus allowing a way for a spirit to begin it’s journey from heaven to earth. This union is sacred and should be regarded as such. 

However, procreation is not the only purpose of a sexual relationship in marriage. It also serves as a means by which a couple can demonstrate their complete love and total commitment for each other. It serves as a means to feel pleasured. It serves the purpose of bonding together in a form that can’t be done any other way. 

Sex is a huge part of marriage. Discussion with your spouse about it should be natural and often. If there is something you want to discuss with your spouse don’t be afraid to speak up. Just like any other aspect of a marriage there usually is room for improvement. This area of a marriage is no different and it is not something that either partner should be embarrassed or ashamed to discuss. 

I would suggest looking in to different books that can help you and your spouse better understand the intimate relationship in a marriage. This can develop into a deeper expression of love which will only help to strengthen any marriage. 

It's Time to Forgive

For the past 8 weeks I have had the privilege of reading Dr. John M. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work along with Dr. Wallace Goddard’s book Drawing Heaven into Your Marraige. I have written many summaries about the different chapters and how I can apply their teachings to my own marriage. My goal has been to hopefully help someone else benefit from the very insightful information.

As I have done the reading and researching I have come to one conclusion. That conclusion being that having a successful marriage is possible. It takes time, patience and practice. Successful marriages take two people who are willing to work through difficulties and not give up on one another. However, with that being said I have also learned that you don’t have to wait for your spouse to be ready to recommit to your marriage. The steps to success can start with you, they can start with me. 

I learned this week that I have to be the change I want to see in my marriage. If I want a better, stronger, more fulfilling marriage I must be the one to start the process. This process can start in many different ways but one specific way as described by Dr. Gottman is to forgive yourself. Dr. Gottman writes how criticism in marriage can be damaging and that there really is no constructive criticism. He writes, “All criticism is painful.” Dr. Gottman continues on to say, “Criticism in marriage comes form within. It is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of one’s life, particularly during childhood. In other words, it begins as criticism of oneself.” He also writes, “If you recognize yourself in the description of the self-critic, the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to work on accepting yourself with all of your flaws. As I look back on my own life, I realize that forgiving myself for all of my imperfections has made an immense difference in my role as a husband and father.”

I believe that any time we want something in our life to change- that change has to begin with us. We are the ones who decide if we will quit or succeed. A marriage which becomes the crowning blessing in your life is possible. It begins with letting go of pride and doubt, it begins with forgiveness and it begins with selflessness. All selfishness must be laid to rest. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes and flaws and forgive your spouse. Seek to display gratitude and patience and I am confident that any marriage can begin on a new path.

What is consecration and how does it pertain to a marriage?

For many young married couples they might enter into a marriage thinking of all the joy and bliss they will experience for the rest of their lives. This joy might last for the first few weeks or months and then reality hits. Sometimes it can hit hard. As beautiful and fun as a new marriage may be, regular life still has to be experienced. Once the wedding is over and only memories of the honeymoon exist, a young couple might find that trying to navigate through this new stage of life is a bit harder than expected. 

Through personal experience I have learned that living a routine, sometimes even mundane life can actually become quite a beautiful scene. The beauty comes when I chose to create an attitude of gratitude in my home. It comes in appreciating the mundane marriage. In the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,  Dr. H. Wallace Goddard wrote “Our minds and our hearts may wander. But those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories. They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time.”

Creating a happy successful marriage is possible but sometimes it’s not easy. Over the years I have learned that for most marriages that end in divorce, the fall of the marriage can be described in one word. That word is selfishness. Selfishness breeds disrespect, disdain, pride and even hatred. The gospel of Jesus Christ breeds the exact opposite of selfishness and a covenant marriage in Christ’s gospel requires consecration. Dr. Goddard writes, “Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve. We become more grateful. Rather than wondering if this marriage is a good investment that will pay us a handsome return, we ask for heavenly grace that we may love and serve as Jesus served - without thought of reward. While there are destructive relationships that should end, the vast majority of relationships can survive and flourish if each of us brings our whole soul as an offering.”

To become consecrated in a marriage is possible - completely possible - but it “requires a transformation of character” as quoted by Dr. Goddard. He goes on to say, “In serving and giving to those within our family stewardship as well as demonstrating patience and continually forgiving our spouses for all the ways they might not meet our expectations, we have the opportunity to emulate Christ, thus transforming ourselves.”

What will you do today in your marriage relationship to start that transformation?